How to cope with the first Christmas after divorce or separation
I’d just picked up my granddaughters from school and we were on our way to afternoon tea when they told me one of their friends is sometimes sad at school because her parents are not together anymore. We talked about this for a while, and it reminded me how difficult the first Christmas after divorce or separation can be.
So are there any words of wisdom that I can share to help people going through their first Christmas after divorce or separation? Well, I’ll give it a go.
Shame and Guilt:
It was the shame and guilt of divorce that was most difficult for me to work through. For a long time, I felt like I had failed myself and my children. My parent’s divorce was so traumatic that I swore I’d never put my own kids through that. So, for a long time, I ignored signs and overlooked my own happiness to keep the family together. Until I realised that keeping it together was killing me and walking away was the only way to save myself.
After my divorce, a “friend” told me that I was choosing the easy option because she had decided to stay with her husband even after she caught him cheating. And for a few moments, I did think, maybe I should have done the same but that was never an option for me. I could not imagine living with someone that was so dishonest and untrustworthy. However, that was my personal choice and I respect anyone that chooses to stay.
What helped me to move on from the shame and guilt was getting on with my life and doing things I’d put off for a long time especially pushing myself through those limited beliefs around being single.
At some point, I came to see that we grow up in a world that glorifies relationships and diminishes the importance of self-sufficiency, self-actualisation and independence - especially for women!
And this shifted my perspective.
I also started to see that some people were uncomfortable with the new version of me because I do live my life to the fullest and I am authentically happy, more than I had been for a long time in my marriage.
And children have not only adjusted but I believe they have grown through the experience.
So if you are feeling shame and guilt about your divorce or separation consider this:
Families come in all shapes and sizes.
If 42% of marriages end in divorce and who knows how many cohabiting couples break up, then the stark truth is that most of us will experience a broken relationship at some point in our lives.
So maybe we should rethink relationships, not to say that marriage or being in a committed relationship is a bad thing, only that it’s not a “failed relationship just because it ended. In fact, contrary to what some people may think, ending a relationship that has run its course can be the most loving thing you can do for yourself and others involved.
My parents spent years in a relationship that was unhealthy and at times disturbing because children see a lot more than we give them credit for. And however much we think we are pulling the wool over their eyes, one day they may surprise us by sharing their version of what they saw!
Whilst we may see happy families, we should also remember that nobody ever really knows what’s going on behind closed doors and sometimes the picture that others show to the world is not real. We all have our personal struggles that aren’t always visible to the outside world.
Make a realistic plan for the holidays:
I was reading an article about Christmas after divorce or separation where the writer suggested that you “put feelings aside”. Good advice you would think except I remember that in the early days following my divorce I had no control over my feelings, emotions, and reactions. You must be careful about trying to force something that you’re not ready for at the moment because it could make things worse. If your divorce/separation was amicable then it could be quite possible to put your feelings aside but if not then it might be a real challenge, especially at Christmas.
So, make a realistic plan for the holidays. Don’t try to be friends when you’re not. Ask others to step in to help with logistics with the kids or do something different that will take the pressure off because trying to force things might actually make things worse.
Last year I decided I wanted to spend the day at home alone because I felt I needed it. I had a wonderful day!
Christmas is about Love
Note: If like me you don’t celebrate Christmas, please replace it with your own set of beliefs. What is important to remember is that what we all need is to feel loved and cared for. We need good people in our lives and they don’t have to be lovers or romantic partners. Love can come from our children, parents, siblings, and friends. Some get more love from a pet than they do from other humans, it’s all valid by the way!
And don’t forget that giving love is equally self-satisfying so make sure your children feel they are loved regardless of their parent's relationship. I know when I see the joy in my children’s and grandchildren’s lives I feel that joy.
Our living arrangements do not determine how much we can love and care for each other. If we allow anger and bitterness to take over then we are forgetting how worthy of love we are.
Love is always present, we just have to allow it to flow from us and to us.
And remember to give yourself plenty of love this Christmas.
Take time for yourself.
Let go of expectations about what you should do and do what you want to do, even if it’s doing nothing for Christmas!