How My Mother Influenced My Life
It was during a conversation about never feeling like I belonged in school, that an old friend that knew me back said,
'But Anna, you were a force to be reckoned with at school!'
My struggle was that I just couldn’t conform to the norms of other girls, which made my teenage years even more difficult.
Unlike many of the girls at that time, I was outspoken and fearless.
I didn't seek to be the stereotypical 'pretty girl' just to get the boys attention. And even back then, I had a broader perspective on the world compared to most young people in my life.
Yet in spite of being ‘different’ I remained confident in myself.
By confidence, I don't mean being self-assured about my physical appearance because that was never my primary focus. When I talk about confidence I’m refering to knowing exactly who I was and I wasn’t shy in showing it.
And I believe much credit for shaping who I am today goes to my mother.
Even though my mother grew up in Cyprus at a time when women were largely regarded as second-class citizens, she too was a force to be reckoned with.
However, being a woman in those days came with limited choices.
Back then, the primary objective for daughters was to find a husband, get married, and devote their lives to their families.
Despite any aspirations my mother might have had for a different life, she didn't have those opportunities. Hence, it's not surprising that she married young and had her first child at 16, and by the age of 22, she already had all three of us.
At 18, my mother left her family to follow her husband to London.
Life in this new place was incredibly tough.
Married to a gambling addict who showed little concern for his family, she had to fend not only for herself but also for her three children. I discuss this in more detail in my book, so I won't delve into it here as it's not the main focus of this post.
It was at a recent lunch date with a couple of friends that I’ve known from my college days that I was reminded about the impact my mother has had on me.
You see, although I was born in London, my upbringing remained deeply influenced by the typical Cypriot culture. However, I was lucky to have a mother that dared to be different.
By the time I started school, my mother had matured considerably, learning how to assert herself, particularly within the difficulties of her marriage.
It seemed she had a choice to
either become strong or be overwhelmed by the challenges of her daily life.
And thankfully she stepped up to all the difficulties to become a force that definitely wasn’t backing down!
I won't paint an unrealistic picture of my mother as being flawless because, like any human, she's made her share of mistakes. Anyone claiming to be perfect is telling lies because every one of us has made mistakes.
So, my mother made mistakes and guess what she too is human!
But I cannot and will not add my judgement because I can only imagine the challenges she faced as a young girl, in a foreign country with three children and no other support.
So I genuinely believe she did her best with what she had.
Remembering that she, too, was once a young girl let down by those who were supposed to protect her invokes only compassion for my mother.
Watching my mother navigate through her personal challenges has been instrumental in shaping who I am today.
Most importantly, it's her fearlessness that I proudly inherit from her.
Not only have I inherited her strength and courage, but also her unique approach to motherhood, which was quite distinct from my friends' mothers at that time.
Unlike most mothers at the time, my mother was open minded, easy to talk to and fun - something many of my friends also admired about her.
My mother often took us into the West End, exposing us to diverse experiences and people.
We learned how to eat with chopsticks and master the art of twirling spaghetti on a fork before we reached our teenage years. Unlike other mothers who aimed solely for their daughters to marry and start families, my mother encouraged both my sister and me to pursue our own ambitions.
I genuinely believed that no matter which path I chose, my mother would stand by me without a doubt.
She assumed the roles of both a mother and a father when my father wasn't around.
When she decided to finally end her marriage, I felt a strong urge to support her—a decision that my father never forgave, further straining our relationship.
But I firmly believed she deserved the chance to lead her life on her own terms—after all, doesn't everyone deserve that opportunity at some point?
What truly saddens me today is the fact that despite my mother enduring many hardships and making several attempts to end her marriage, she faced significant obstacles due to the lack of support from both her family and society at large.
And after all of that, what she is still blamed for is her audacity to leave my father.
As someone who has always stood by my mother, I now find myself resonating with her story even more deeply.
Even though my ex-husband was the one who cheated, I'm still faced with having to justify my decision to formally end the marriage.
I often wonder if I would have received the same level of respect as my ex-husband had I been the one to cause the breakdown of our family.
It's striking that, despite being from a different generation, the disparity between how society treats women and men remains quite similar.
Phrases like 'but a mother is more important' only perpetuate the notion that men bear less responsibility, which not only belittles women but, as I observe my own sons with their daughters, I can confidently assert that fathers are equally crucial.
I don’t ever wish for a different mother or even a different father because I am absolutely at peace with who I am, and both of them have significantly shaped me.
However, when I recall my mother as a young woman, I feel immense pride in her uniqueness, courage, and strength. These qualities she possessed taught me to be fearless, just as she was.
As my mother lives out the later part of her life, I am continuously grateful for her presence in my life. She made me who I am today, and for that, I am sincerely thankful.
So, if you find yourself being critical and holding unrealistic expectations of your mother, take a moment to ask yourself if you hold similar standards for your father, or even for yourself - because at the end of the day your mother is human too!
In my book, 'How did I get here?', I suggest that there comes a point in our lives when we must stop blaming our own shortcomings solely on our past.
It's important that we take responsibility for who we are today and the person we want to become – otherwise our past is always playing out in our present and dictating our future.
If this resonates with you and you want help to break free from your past, I have some free resources that you will find useful.
And don’t forget my book, ‘How did I get here?’ which will take you through the transformation you are looking for.